Parent vs. Advisor: Learning to Communicate with Your College Student

I recently started watching the show "The Goldbergs" and found it very entertaining that they refer to the lady of the house as "Smother."  This show is based on a true family living in the 80s, but in reality, it was not the norm for a parent to be so involved in their children's business back then.  I was a teenager during the 80s and can hardly remember most of my friends parents even being around, let along showing up at high school with a forgotten lunch.  We had an unbelievable amount of freedom and quite frankly, only informed our parents about our lives on a "need to know" basis.  Can you imagine what Smother Goldberg could have done with the use of iPhones and social media tools that are available today?  

Cell phones, text messaging and Facebook allows parents far more tracking opportunities than were available even five years ago.  Not only can we stay in constant contact with our kids, but chances are, you are friends with your kids friends parents, who also have formed a little mini society of the flow of information using these same tools.  But once your kid leaves for college, communications are disrupted.  They now have control of what you know. Adjusting to them being gone is a hard transition and next to missing them, not knowing the ins and outs of their everyday activity can make you crazy...only because we have conditioned ourselves to be that way in the first place.  Remember, our parents fared just fine without knowing our every move.  So how do you learn to communicate with your college kids without the smothering overuse of technology tools that we have grown so accustomed to?   

 

What To Do

I have learned through trial and error of sending the first one off that limiting the amount of questions and interrogations works to your advantage, as they are only going to tell you what they think you want to hear.   After they adjust to their new surroundings and the excitement wears off, they are more willing to start conversations and talk about their life happenings.  Sending care packages or mail usually sparks a "thank you" phone call that can present an opportunity to discuss classes or people they have met.   It is important to take these calls with an open mind approach and if there are signs that your college student is struggling or falling a little off track, a lecture is not in order, but rather a discussion of what options are available to them. 

What Not To Do

With their new found freedom, communications becomes even more challenging.  Limited the amount of times you reach out to them, but rather let them learn to reach out to you.  Kids today have their phones 24/7.  If they do not return your text or call, it is because they are choosing not too.  If you are constantly trying to contact them for unimportant reasons, they will soon learn to tune you out.  If your child even allows you to be friends on Facebook or Twitter, DO NOT STALK them.  Be discretionary of what you comment on and resist the urge to treat them as you would have when they were living at home.  If anything they post concerns you, have a private, face-to-face conversation with them to discuss the importance of the image they present on social media.  Posting negative comments on their site may cause them to block you or shut down the site all together.   This video may be a slight exaggeration, but the message is important.  Your college student has control of what you are allowed to know.

Basically, you have transitioned from being the parent to advisor, because after all, the goal here is to prepare your children to become adults that are responsible for their own decisions.    My youngest is now away at school and we are in constant communication as she loves to talk about her very full academic and social schedule.  She even tags me often on Facebook when she posts pictures in order to share.  I know that there is much she does not share, but respecting her privacy while maintaining an active listening presence has not only strengthened our relationship, but has given her the confidence she needs to transition into adulthood.  For more information, read How to Communicate with Your College Children.